at what point do you stop crossing the line between who you are and who you should be?

Tonight I'm tired...the concert sucked royally, as expected. The odd thing about that music is that it's crappy and corny, which would usually mean that one is more able to laugh at it than to be emotionally moved. But no, it's moving too. So you're sitting there wincing at the sour notes, crying from the death and cancer and in musical pain all at once.

I feel sad even though I'm not sad about anything. I think it's the letdown after a big performance...it's just not as obvious as usual, because this concert was of so little importance to me that I actually told my family and friend *not* to come.

Sore traps, sore back, sore feet, stupid me for wearing heels. And girls waering long, flowy, swishy dresses with tennis shoes are a pretty funny thing to see.

The title of this post has nothing to do with the concert...it has a lot do to with me, lately. I really think that people adhere a lot more than they realize to they way they should be...but every time I admit to doing that, people tell me to be myself, relax, you're so normal and calm Alex. Oh, and this is great...I find myself telling people that when I'm really relaxed and myself, I can get really loud and crazy. And that hurts them, because why can't I relax around them? I don't know. It's nothing personal. It's me, not you and all that shit...I can't make it sound genuine, but it's true. I guess it's partly because I had a group of friends that by now I"ve totally let loose with; they've seen all of it, the good the bad and the bitchy. And they sort of act forgiving and merciful and sorry for me, that I have the traits that I have...it's like they feel good about themselves for putting up with me and loving me anyway.

Yeah, if people are gonna treat me that way I don't really think I want to open up.