aaargh

I can't focus!! I want to go to bed!!!

HappyTofurkeyDay!!!

When I get home at 2pm Seattle time tomorrow, I will:

*cuddle cats and dog and possibly ferrets
*hug sisters and brothers and parents
*make pie. Pumpkin, pecan, apple, chocolate cream...eek! I get to make pie!!!
*boil water for tea.
*DRINK tea.
*take a bath
*watch Harry Potter with whoever wants to come (if you read this and wanna come, it's going to be in Edmonds on Friday or Saturday - email me.)
*see Josh (I miss Josh) and Angela, and whoever else turns up on my doorstep.
*drink tea
*make pie
*cuddle cats
*read a NOVEL. You heard me. I, Alex Gramps, aspire to pick up a book that is not educational!

The only downsides: I'll only be home for three and a half days, and I have to wake up at 3:45am tomorrow to catch the shuttle, and I'm sick. But that is OK, because I'm out-of-my-mind excited right now!

Spring Semester!!

I am currently registered for:
Sociology 101
Latin 212 (might switch to 330, we'll see)
Italian 110
Music 100
Yoga
First Year Performance (Voice)


= 20 credits, all together.

I have to drop something - I'm taking 19 credits this semester, so I know what it would be like: I'd survive, but I would be insanely burnt out. I need a break (and by "break" I mean I need to take a full load instead of more than a full load). Ze problem: I don't know what to drop. If I drop Music, I might have to drop voice, which would be very sad. If I don't drop voice and Music, then it's probably Soc...but I really want to explore that option right now.

*Sigh*

But hey, I got into all my classes!

I'm going to go ponder my little dilemma over some dishes.

a word of advice.

No matter how much homework you have, do not drink coffee at 8pm when you have to get up at 7 the next day.

I can't sleep, and my stomach hurts, and I have a sore throat (whine, whine, whine!!). All possible side effects, whether remote or immediate, of having too much coffee in my system over the last 2 months.

I have to go off of caffeine again when I get home. Which will now be in 8 days! Unfortunately, as things stand, I'm not going to get more than 4 1/2 hours of sleep tonight, which means more coffee tomorrow :(

Growing *with* schooling.

I have finally begun to understand, if not completely agree with, my dad's rant on how the NBTSC community can be dogmatic in its views against public school. If you want to flame me right now, wait until you read the whole think, OK?

I feel judged, in the NBTSC community and among home/unschoolers in general, for the fact that I've chosen to go to some form of school, and that I'm not only going to college, but going to an uber-academic college where the experience of being in a classroom is deeply intensified. The bottom line (s):
*I love learning. If you're in the NBTSC/EHRC corner of my world, you probably get that. If you're in the L-town/public school corner of my world, you probably don't. Whatever.
*I love dealing with intellectual subjects; learning languages, analyzing...well, anything at all, discussing, being made to think on my feet.
*The format of "school" (i.e. classrooms, desks, notebooks, chalkboards, teachers and students talking, homework, all that jazz) works for me.

It doesn't work for most people - it makes most people miserable. Actually, it makes me miserable too, when it's impersonal and feels like I'm being pumped through a factory and noone really cares what I'm doing as long as the letters on my transcript are as close as possible to the beginning of the alphabet. That isn't what's happening here: my professors know me, all the students speak up in class, it's in many ways a really relaxed, eclectic atmosphere, aside from the pressure of such high academic standards (80% of which, I might add, come from my own perfectionism and the occasional cattily competitive classmate, not from the school or the teachers).

yeah, I'm stressed out. This might be because I'm taking 19 credits and doing choir, aspiring to be the best daughter, friend, singer, neice, student, grandchild, big sister, partner, and cousin that I can be. My stress is self-imposed. You're welcome to remind me of that next time I start whining about how much work my life might be - This. is. all. my. choice. I know myself. I know that if I stopped going to school I would lack the motivation to keep up my pursuits - and no, that's not me getting sucked away by the stereotypes of a public school world, that's me knowing that I prefer - I need - to have the external structure of a group of academic peers and mentors who keep me accountable. If I were to drop out of school, I would probably end up emulating a very similar system for myself. It makes me happy. It makes a lot of people miserable. I think it sucks that it makes people miserable; I want to change that, I want everyone to have the system that works for them.

I agree in a lot of ways with the more blanket home/unschooler belief that the school system is 100% evil, every kid should be taken out and allowed to determine the course of his or her own education based on individual interests, learning styles and levels of motivation. What if my individual interests, learning style and motivation level align perfectly with the school system, especially the system of a small private college with a 1:10 faculty/student ratio? Am I then not allowed to do this, because the school system is evil?

Here's what I think: I think the school system, more specifically the K-12 public school system, is a very well-intended project that has a) gone horribly askew from its initial goals, b) still has pure goals but lacks the resources to realize those goals in any more-than-mediocre fashion for more than a small percentage of its clients (read: students) or c) is actually corrupt in nature, but provides free daycare for the parents who couldn't afford to stay home with their kids every day and therefore have no choice but to send them wherever they'll be safe.

The choice to leave school is not necessarily optimal for every person. What we need is the knowledge that we can if we want to, that we can still have fantastic and (if we want) opulent lives without "an education", and the resources to break out if and when we're ready. That's all.

This is not black and white, right or wrong; it's personal. I could make you a list of the fascinatingly learned and charismatic homeschoolers I know, or the fascinatingly learned and charismatic public schoolers, or the happy and well-fulfilled home/public schoolers...you know, whatever you want. You do what's best for you, I'll do what's best for me, we'll work as hard as we can to avoid judging everyone else (it's hard, but we'll try)...can we please just leave it at that?

I guess I'd like to contend, to anyone at all in my world, that I'm not wimping out through my choices. Starting as a first-year, going to a women's school, going to school period, considering dropping out of school...sure, fear is involved in my contemplation of all these possibilities, but ultimately there is only one fearful question that I really listen to : will I be unhappy or unsatisfied?

Right now, I want to work in a high school, public or private, teaching Latin, Italian, Mythology, Greek & Roman History...any of those. I consider the real-world practicality of those subjects to be sort of irrelevant, bar the fact that kids who study Latin statistically do better on the SATs (my study partner got an 800 verbal, kids) and that I think language (any language) and culture are comparable to music in the awesome effect they have on a person's mental ability. I'm sure science and math do the same, but they're just not my thing. My deal is: I had wonderfully challenging, nurturing, and personalized experiences learning Latin/Mythology/G&R History in a public schoolish setting, and I want to pass those on to anyone who wants to have them.

I figure that I don't believe fully enough in the corruptness and evil of public schooling to have a hand in its utter destruction; I think that, in some cases, it's a necessary evil, or maybe not evil at all. I'd prefer, if I'm going to break it down, to do so from the inside, and positively. Imagine the damage if such a huge institution suddenly collapsed; it doesn't matter if it's hurting us, it's still holding us up. So, right now, I want to join in the system and make it as positive as I, personally, can - by taking a few kids and showing them what it's like to have a little more choice, a little more freedom, and a little more flexibility. Baby steps.

I have now used up nearly an hour in which I was supposed to be reading the Aeneid (which I love, by the way, in case you were wondering). But I feel a lot better.

aren't you supposed to have this figured out already?

A sophomore just knocked on my door to ask for help writing her paper on the Symposium. The same girl came up to me a couple of weeks ago and asked for advice on how she should talk to a professor about her grades. I had advice and a few ideas for her paper, but it's just really odd - there's a status game going on between all of the years, especially first years and anyone older than them, that dictates that we should be asking them for advice, not the other way around.

And I think it's crazy that I'm so submitted to this age = status thing, and that it would confuse me so much to have someone who is "older" and "more experienced" come to ask me for help/advice. This wasn't a problem until I came here, where people tend to ask your year before your name.

Speaking of papers, mine has reached 4 full pages with plenty left to be talked about...but I have only 20 minutes left before I have to go to work, so I'm going to clean my room now instead.

Yesterday I was depressed and sluggish and slow.

Today I feel alert and happy and pumped.

I'm not writing anymore, because I'm wasting mental energy in the act of writing here right now.

but

I just have to add that it's sunny and blustery outside, and that the wind keeps blowing up swirls of leaves so high that they're flying *over* our 4-floor dorm and falling like rain.

And, (last thing, I promise) I hit a high C in my voice lesson on Tuesday and could have gone higher, and it sounded good! I know none of you care or probably have any idea what a high C sounds like...but it's a big deal for me.

:)

Poems for you.

Check out what I get to sing about in choir (they get weirder, so keep on reading) courtesy of e. e. cummings.

Dominic has a Doll

Dominic has a doll
wired to the radiator
of his ZOOM DOOM ice coal wood truck

a wistful little clown
whom somebody buried upside down
in an ash barrel

so, of course, Dominic took him home
and Mrs. Dominic washed his sweet dirty face
quite as if he were really her
and she but

and so that's how Dominic has a doll

Dominic has a doll
and every now and then,
my wonderful friend Dominic DePaola
gives me a most tremendous hug

knowing I feel
that we and worlds are less alive than dolls

Nouns to Nouns

Nouns to nouns wandering
too nons too and nuns
two nuns wandering
in singular
untheknowndulous spring

nouns to nouns wandering
too nons too and and nuns
two nuns wandering
in singular
untheknowndulous spring

nouns to nouns.

Maggie and Milly and Molly and May

maggie and milly and molly and may.
went down to the beach (to play one day)
and maggie discovered a shell that sang so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,
and milly befriended a stranded star whose rays five languid fingers were;
and molly was chased by a horrible thing which raced sideways wile blowing bubbles:
and may cam home with a smooth round stone as small as a world and as large as alone
For whatever we lose (like a you or a me) it's always ourselves we find in the sea

Uncles (this is the best one)

my uncle Daniel fought in the civil war
band
(and can play the triangle ike the devil)
my uncle Frank has done nothing for many years but fly
kites
and when the string breaks
(or something)
my uncle Frank breaks into tears

my uncle Tom
knits
and is a kewpie above the ears

(but my uncle Ed that's dead from the neck up
is lead all over Brattle street
by a castrated pup)


and at the end, we sing "castrated pup" staccato as if it's the defining premise of the entire set of poems.

*teeters*

I am just slightly drunk, but luckily my face didn't get red this time so they didn't notice at work. The wiffle ball was much fun - I was the only first year, and a lot of them suck almost as much as I do at anything that involves running or a ball, so I was pretty well set. However, the seniors now have a large number of pictures of me drinking, which I hope won't get around to Res. Life.


aaand now I have to do Math homework (wish me luck.)






(lots of luck)

Important Tidbits

*chick flicks are better in Italian (you have something to think about during the boring parts, the voiceovers are funny, and you actually have to work to figure out the plot)
*I am going to a wine-box wiffle ball gathering tomorrow (apparently it's a fall version of the Spring kickball kegger)
*There are 2 textbooks' worth of Latin flashcards on my floor
*I have a paper due in a week that I have not even started
*it does not feel like Wednesday today
*I am insanely excited about Harry Potter



At this juncture, I have no idea what I am going with my life. I'm somewhere between teaching or social work or...something else. I want to help people, I want to make decisions (no matter how minor)...and I don't know what to do. Which is annoying, because it makes Italian basically a useless pursuit. And the only way to switch languages now and still go abroad is to take an intensive course over the summer.

go away

They had a fight in the hallway; they agreed, with impeccable politeness, to go out in the hall and hit each other for a while.

I don't have it in me to try to hold up other people through their shit when I don't have anyone to hold me up through mine. Correction: I do, but he's halfway across the country. At least, he'd be my first choice.

I love having people come to me when they need something emotionally, I love being able to give them support. When I have it to give. Tonight...no. I'm sorry ladies, but I need some of my own.