*

*I had a grown-up conversation with my brother today. Nothing special, but we were just two people talking to each other. I forget how protective I can be of him sometime.

I think he's awesome.

I want Mr. H-F to come home now.

I feel very gushy and inspired and excited and like meticulously checking my Italian paper is somehow the most exciting thing ever and far too mundane for the amount and type of energy I have.

speaking of...I feel fantastic. I have no idea why. Enough sleep? Yoga class? Sugar high? Who knows?

I want to move in together, but I don't want to isolate myself from the rest of my world. I'm afraid if I moved off campus I'd constantly be in my apartment and procrastinate by organizing and cooking and cleaning...I do enough of that in Tenney. I'm afraid I'd alienate people.
I have begun to wonder, fueled by whispered rumors, if it would actually be possible to live off campus. But I don't know if I'd want to. That's the truth.

I want...

I want to be friends with my professors. I'm not talking sitting around telling each other secrets and making girly jokes together...I want them to ask how I'm doing when my work isn't what it should be, I want them to get angry with me when they feel I'm not doing them justice, I want to know about who they are and what got them here and get advice from them on wherever I'm going.

I guess I'm spoiled...I get that more at Smith than most people at public schools, and I got it *way* more in my high school.

But...they have a lot to offer. And, if I was a teacher (which, maybe I will be some day), I think I'd be thrilled to have a student asking me for advice and support and wanting to know my story.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH

I'm angry.

Happy all the time 2

yeah, it's kind of a weird name and it came off the top of my head. There's a story and it's prolly not interesting, but I'll tell you anyway:

My brother fell madly in love with our German exchange student , Ale, who stayed with us for the 04-05 school year. He already had a weird sense of humor and so did she, but the two of them combined and boosted by the (albeit small) language barrier, came up with some damned weird things.

One of these things was Ale's account on our family's copy of XP Home, which Adrian and Ale created and edited together in various stages of weird/flirty moods. The account, over the year, changed from being called "Alessandra" with a mildly boring account picture, to being called "HAPPY ALL THE TIME!!!" with a picture of Walker, Texas Ranger as the account pic. I think the joke here was that they would always talk about being constantly happy and perky in a sardonic sort of way, because we all know that even if a person *seems* to be happy all the time, they're probably squashing a miserable little crying person because it's more important that they look happy than have feelings or be a genuine person.

So, I'm happy all the time because I'm not; because it's absurd for someone to always be happy, it doesn't happen. One cannot experience joy without sorrow; if you experience neither, you live in between in a very bland world. I'm happy all the time 2 because Adrian and Ale came up with it first, and I felt I should give credit to their sarcastic wits.

Also, I was embarassed that I was getting a blog and thought that if I named it something confusing and proceeded to spill all sorts of crazy rants and emotional blowouts on it, anyone who didn't know me already would most likely raise an eyebrow and move on. Which, consdidering the fact that I can count on one hand the number of people who I know have read it and can only think of 3 who read it repeatedly, is probably what happens.




So.....tomorrow I'm going to the wedding of two people I barely know, and I'm excited about the blue bridesmaids' dresses and the fact that I'm allowed to purchase alcohol in Canada and having a couple days off from school. I'm trying to start taking better care of my body because the last year has not been it's best, starting by getting off the medication that probably made me feel crappy in the first place. My choir is singing an e.e.cummings poem set to music that is probably the first of his poems I've really appreciated (the last 4 lines are all that make much sense to me...and I like the placement of the "long enough and just so long" lines). I talked to my mom for the first time in a few weeks a couple nights ago, I miss my sister and my brother, and sophomore year is turning out to be an entirely different experience from first year. I haunt myself too often with what I don't do enough of; study, hang out with friends, exercise, sleep, eat well, dress up. I like cooking my own food and sharing a bed with someone and drinking lots of tea and getting up early. I want to quit choir in favor of yoga classes and having more flexibility about when it's my turn to make dinner. I want to be braver and stronger and repair the dents and distortions in my relationships. I want to be a staffer at NBTSC and speak Spanish, French and Italian fluently, and more than ever I want to be a teacher.




as freedom is a breakfastfood
or truth can live with right and wrong
or molehills are from mountains made
-long enough and just so long
will being pay the rent of seem
and genius please the talentgang
and water most encourage flame

as hatracks into peachtrees grow
or hopes dance best on bald men's hair
and every finger is a toe
and any courage is a fear
-long enough and just so long
will the impure think all things pure
and hornets wail by children stung

or as the seeing are the blind
and robins never welcome spring
nor flatfolk prove their world is round
nor dingsters die at break of dong
and common's rare and millstones float
-long enough and just so long
tomorrow will not be too late

worms are the works but joy's the voice
down shall go which and up come who
breasts will be breasts, thighs will be thighs
deeds cannot dream what dreams can do
-time is a tree (this life one leaf)
but love is the sky and i am for you
just so long and long enough

e.e. cummings

I'm

collapsing.

Thoughts for the day

*my brother and his girlfriend are almost painfully cute together. Too bad she lives in Germany...ow.

*today a lady with green cowboy-hat earrings and a Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle hairdo informed me that it would be too confusing for me to take French, Spanish and Italian all at once and I would be better off doing something easier. (fuck you, lady)

*am I going to end up teaching grade school? And loving it?!?

*the homework is not happening right now. it probably should.

promises

I'm noticing that once I've broken one small commitment to myself, the rest seem to dissolve. Going to an alternate Spanish class, Pilates, etc...the last three hours have totally fallen apart. No, it's not just you; watch me take a dive too. But I know it's temporary, I know what's causing it and it's going to be all gone by tomorrow morning.

Phone calls, emails, stuff to print, this whole homework business...it's gonna take a few days before my brain is able to smoothly transition into that mode, of the constant work being in paper or online form, rather than store orders and what kind of tea Bob wants and which bus to hop to the ferry. The cool thing is, I'm not depressed. Well, my room is kind of a depressing space, and right now I'm at a low point, but it's more physical than emotional.

Mike's been off looking at apartments and jobs, and today I think my mind/heart are with him more than usual...maybe because my own reality is starting to lose that sheen of fantasy and self-importance that the first days of school tend to have.

I'm writing here because I don't want to clean my room and cut squares of saran wrap, because those things mean that I have to reveal myself more to the people I live with and risk the possibility of rejection. That's the truth; that's why I anxious. I'm doing it anyway.

back to school...

Í think this whole vegetarian co-op house thing is going to do my body good...I'm sitting here eating a salad because I forgot to eat dinner and it was the quickest thing to grab.

I'm stuck somewhere between contemplating the tastiness of organic tomatoes and the meaning and significance of my relationships...a confusing place to be. I'm irritated sometimes by how the little practical pieces of life, like balancing a checkbook or sorting papers, can get backed up and ignored in favor of emotional issues with partners and friends, or even just foregone for the sake of an insignificant conversation. That sounds cold...and it's funny coming from someone who always professes that her close relationships take precedence over everything else in life, and who didn't even learn how to balance a checkbook until a few months ago (because my boyfriend's mom disapproved of my financial laziness).

funny how you think you're all grown up and then at the next turn there's something new to pull yourself over

I think I'm selfish and weak sometimes. Someone comes to me for support and I crumble myself; I need to pull away and retreat. Maybe it's because I feel responsible...but I can't kick that.

Times like these I wonder who reads this thing and what they're thinking while I muse at my computer screen.

Oh...it's nice to be back at Smith. I think. It's nice to be here, for sure, but I don't know if it's Smith as much as it is everything else.

I'm going to go to Smith's free student counseling, and when they ask me on the little yellow form why I'm seeing a therapist, I'm going to tell them I have difficulties with emancipation and a tendency to form codependent relationships.